Can two people experience an equation completely differently? Is it possible to be completely aware of the reality yet somewhere experience something with an intensity which falsifies the reality, making you hope for more than the reality?
I don’t know.
People say things to you. And maybe not realize what it meant to you in that moment and maybe not even remember it. But you remember and it meant something to you.
There are years of your life you live being pragmatic and real, but somewhere only speak the truth to yourself where you know that what you are feeling is exactly what your pragmatic self does not want you to be doing.
I am certain there is a phase in everybody’s life where you realise that life is not so simple anymore and your past lived experiences have ensured that your feelings and thoughts become so complex and contradictory, that never knowing and flux is all you know. I know I am in this phase. And, I have a feeling this is not a phase that will phase away, rather is a phase which is here to stay.
So. How do you step out of it? How do you get yourself to believe that there might be a person who at some point being a complete stranger noticed you in the crowd and asked you why you were so lost, and yet, it probably meant nothing to that person. How do you get yourself to stop believing that there is good in a person, when all that is visible and out there is a warning for you to stay away? How do you convince yourself that a moment of complete honesty may not mean anything to a person? How do you convince yourself that while a person may mean a lot to you, you might just be a speck of dust for the person?
I raise that ‘why’ with a full stop and not a question mark, because I am not sure if any answer would be enough.
While I have been meaning to write for long, I haven’t been able to. Because, I have had these emotions overwhelm me which I don’t think I am ready to write about yet. Because, I know when I write it down, I put it down somewhere to stare back at me with an answer, I don’t want to hear yet. This post could have read very differently. But I wrote as much as I could handle, to let out, at the moment.
I am waiting for a day, hopefully in the near future, where I can just spill it out. When I can be honest and vulnerable and not put on a farse. I need to spill it out to know. If not anything else, to know whether two people can live a life aloof of ever knowing what they meant for one another.
I have this habit of writing notes on my phone, when I have something to say and can’t. (Also, mostly when I am drunk. Lol.) This is what I wrote a few months back.
Come? One time? And we will know.”
There was a time when I was okay not knowing. But, I think I am done. I want to know. Even if that means, putting at risk a probable ‘bubble’ that I am living in.