Little do you know..

Playlist 6

You don’t realise that you have forgotten what being under an open sky feels like, till you see it again.

I went for a run yesterday. After days and days of planning, I finally put on my new shoes and went for a run. The whole day I had been wondering where I would go. I had always noticed this park near my house, but had never gone inside. Google told me that it was actually a DDA park and should definitely be explored.

I entered the park and started walking. It seemed like a well maintained park. People of different ages, genders, classes were all around. While some played, some walked/jogged, some loitered around, some found cozy corners and some found shady spots. Oh and there were dogs. 🙂

The initial stretch was covered with trees. After about ten minutes of walking and jogging, I reached a stretch of the track where suddenly the sky appeared all over me. I looked up and I saw a clear sky, blanket all of us with only a slight glimpse of buildings at the horizon. I knew I had found my favorite part of the park. I also realized that it had been long since I was under the open sky with nothing obstructing my view of it. It almost felt like coming up for fresh air and getting my due share of oxygen.

Today was my second day of successfully sticking to my running plan. I saw the open sky today too. I have also developed a route that I follow. I begin my run first on the track which is covered by trees and then end by doing the stretch under the open sky. It’s like an incentive to keep running and not give up. Not that the track with trees is bad. But well, clearly my heart lies with the open sky.


You don’t realise how much you truly miss something, till a memory brings it all back.

I stayed the night at a friend’s place a few days back. Both of us were tired and just wanted to crash. However, we decided to do one thing before we go to sleep. We played a song (Nindiya re) we had once played when were in college (in the hostel) on repeat and slept for hours at a stretch. Peacefully.

We played the song. I closed my eyes and the very next moment I had a clear picture of the window in our room. That window has to be the prettiest window I have ever slept next to in my life. I did not see through that window. I dreamt. Of the cottage in front. Of the tiny yellow window. Of beaches which lie beyond palm trees. And the picture stayed throughout till I drifted off to sleep.

I realized how much I missed the sleep I got next to that window which always had the open sky up there for me. Sometimes with stars, sometimes with a sun shining down and sometimes (the times I remember the most) with clouds pouring down rain.


You don’t realise what you will miss the most about a person, till the person starts living the memory you wish to reminisce together, alone.

I wrote another note on my phone yesterday :-

“Despite everything that has gone down, there is still a connect. A connect strong enough for me to laugh and miss you. Miss you and want to be there with you. I don’t know if you still say things like “Are you seeing this?” in your head when you are there; a place I want to be.

Do you miss me? Was this our connection? Love for a space and city? Do you feel it too?

I am there with you. Hiding behind a pillar for all the walls we have built, but still knowing that you are happy and knowing exactly what is it that makes you happy.

Not strangers, after all?”

I realise now that we connected best under the open sky. I realise now that we connected and didn’t get consumed in a spiral void, when we had a sea and an open sky to look at and talk about.

I realise now that we stopped talking about the open sky.


We don’t realise a lot of things. Up until it comes back to us. Sometimes as a breath of fresh air and sometimes as a reminder that you might be becoming a person you don’t want to become. Whatever it may be, it comes back. All you need to do is take a step back and look up. Towards an open sky.

“ज़रा नज़र उठा कर देखो….. दुनिया की इस भीड़ में, सबसे पीछे हम खड़े।”

I had to leave a little girl in Kingston town.

Playlist 5

In the past 3 years, I have started associating haircuts with newness.

I moved to a new city 3 years back. During the first two-three months, I realized I needed a haircut. The intent was need. When the need was fulfilled, I was left wanting for more.

I located a salon nearby. As usual, I was a little worried about whether the hair dresser will get it wrong and I would end up having to live with a ‘bad’ haircut.

My first haircut in my new city was given to me by Mahi. She seemed to believe that a bob cut would suit my face. I was unsure. Wavy hair and a bob? Really?

My first haircut in my new city was an asymmetrical bob.

The asymmetry grew on me and this is when haircuts became a source of newness, an addiction almost.

I was in my new city for 2 years. Haircuts were a ritual. I moved from asymmetry to symmetry and beyond. I moved on from Mahi to Vishwanath. And with Vishwanath I stuck.

Vishwanath was the unpredictability I chose to trust.

He gave me my last haircut before I moved on from the city. His parting gift to me was something I got asked about so many times in the city I moved to. Once a woman in the metro asked me, “I love your haircut. What is it called? Where did you get it from?”. I had no clue what the haircut was called. All I knew was that, it was a Vishwanath creation. My parting gift.

I am certain Vishwanath or Mahi do not remember me. And, I will confess I haven’t though about them and all of this so articulately till now.

Today I went for another haircut in my current city. And, while the hairdresser (a name I don’t know) gave me a haircut, I thought about all of this. I thought about how I wish he (today’s hairdresser) wasn’t so cautious with what he was doing. I wished for him to catch on to my ask for ‘something new’. I thought about how Vishwanath would have given me a newness to live with.

Today, my intent for a haircut was newness. And I missed Vishwanath.

My intent with haircuts and life is a want. A want for newness. There was a time when I thought monotony and a settled life is something I can live with for a while. But that was a need. And while my need has been fulfilled, the want has come back. Stronger and stranger.

The world was on fire, no one could see me but you…

Playlist 4

Can two people experience an equation completely differently? Is it possible to be completely aware of the reality yet somewhere experience something with an intensity which falsifies the reality, making you hope for more than the reality?

I don’t know.

People say things to you. And maybe not realize what it meant to you in that moment and maybe not even remember it. But you remember and it meant something to you.

There are years of your life you live being pragmatic and real, but somewhere only speak the truth to yourself where you know that what you are feeling is exactly what your pragmatic self does not want you to be doing.

I am certain there is a phase in everybody’s life where you realise that life is not so simple anymore and your past lived experiences have ensured that your feelings and thoughts become so complex and contradictory, that never knowing and flux is all you know. I know I am in this phase. And, I have a feeling this is not a phase that will phase away, rather is a phase which is here to stay.


So. How do you step out of it? How do you get yourself to believe that there might be a person who at some point being a complete stranger noticed you in the crowd and asked you why you were so lost, and yet, it probably meant nothing to that person. How do you get yourself to stop believing that there is good in a person, when all that is visible and out there is a warning for you to stay away? How do you convince yourself that a moments of complete honesty may not mean anything to a person? How do you convince yourself that while a person may mean a lot to you, you might just be a speck of dust for the person?


I raise that ‘why’ with a full stop and not a question mark, because I am not sure if any answer would be enough.

While I have been meaning to write for long, I haven’t been able to. Because, I have had these emotions overwhelm me which I don’t think I am ready to write about yet. Because, I know when I write it down, I put it down somewhere to stare back at me with an answer, I don’t want to hear yet. This post could have read very differently. But I wrote as much as I could handle, to let out, at the moment.

I am waiting for a day, hopefully in the near future, where I can just spill it out. When I can be honest and vulnerable and not put on a farse. I need to spill it out to know. If not anything else, to know whether two people can live a life aloof of ever knowing what they meant for one another.

I have this habit of writing notes on my phone, when I have something to say and can’t. (Also, mostly when I am drunk. Lol.) This is what I wrote a few months back.

“Dearest dear,

Come? One time? And we will know.”

There was a time when I was okay not knowing. But, think I am done. I want to know. Even if that means, putting at risk a probable ‘bubble’ that I am living in.

Call it dreaming

Playlist 3 – This post is a dreamy one. I heard each song, with my eyes shut, and wrote a para. I hope it turns out to be a dreamy one for you too.  🙂

I am sitting on a rock by the river as I see a small meadow on the other side. I imagine a table full of people eating, drinking, singing, laughing underneath small twinkly lights.

I am staring at the yachts parked in the sea as my hands are entwined with yours. I imagine a nostalgia so strong, that the moment feels more than I could ever ask for.

I am in a car driving to a waterfall, driving on a narrow winding road with small plantations and a forest all around. I imagine someday cycling on the same narrow winding road, eating cherries from my cycle basket.

I am listening to a jazz band perform at a garden party. I am imagining swirling someone around under small twinkly lights as we laugh together to hide our awkwardness.

I am looking at a window of a house with yellow lights. I am imagining home, where close ones sit, with light music playing in the background and the house smelling of the food that is cooking.

I am driving by the airport. I am imagining being on a plane, headed towards a holiday, on an evening flight where the lights are dimmed and all that there is, is a tinge of yellow shade inside the flight, as you descend upon a world of houses and roads, all identified as lights for a moment in time.

I am with you as you speak and yet you don’t. I imagine honesty.

I am watching the rain through my office window. I am imagining sitting on the front porch of my house, as it rains and eating salted Jamun.

I am dreaming. While I imagine living.


“Is dil ki aadat yahi hai, girkar sambhalta nahin hai.” – The last song ❤

Look into my eyes and you will see, what you do to me.

Playlist 2

Do you ever wish to be a part of something big? Tonight, I do.

I am sitting on my couch listening to music and guess who played? Bryan Adams. Aah! He sang “Look in to my eyes..” and I had a smile.  I truly believe nobody has sung or spoken those lines with such sincerity till date. And probably, no one ever will.

The next song that played was Heaven. What played was a live performance by Adams at Wembley stadium and it began with a crowd singing the first few lines of Heaven, together in perfect unison. And that is when I knew. Someday I wish to be a part of a crowd, singing Heaven together or for that matter any song, and know that I am a part of something big. A place where several unite and it is for something as beautiful as singing a few verses together and in that moment experiencing the warmth and love, we wish ourselves to be capable of as a species.

Someday I wish to be a part of something big and while being present among a thousand or more, feel significant and mesmerized.

Be there standing amidst a thousand other people, singing the words and looking into the eyes of the artist, singing and smiling, letting him/her know, that he/she got through. He/she made me feel through his song, what he/she felt in that moment and we connected.

And maybe it was not even about him/her knowing, but just me knowing that you can connect with people over a melody and in that moment experience a sense of joy that no one can ever dispute.

I am an idealist today. I am an idealist today because I know it was a good day for the the city I live in. That is a whole lot to believe in, but, today I do. The air was fresher and the smiles were broader. I don’t think it was just what I saw or felt. While my every other day is an auto driver, who never listens, today was someone, who understood. While my everyday is people wanting to get done with the day, today was a day , they did not want should end. Today was a day when I met a young boy at a traffic signal who sold flowers and offered me a mango while enjoying one himself.

Today was a better day and I truly believe it was because all of somewhere gave into something bigger to experience peace and joy. All of us came together under a blue cloudy sky, on a rainy day.

All of us became a part of something big and probably sang a song, in perfect unison.

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?

Playlist number 1 – When you click on this, the idea is to not watch, but listen. Listen and at some point say “Oh wow. This played.”


Two days back, I created this blog. For a long time now, I have been feeling disconnected and demotivated. I have been missing things like having a window in my room. Or, going on long walks at night and looking at how the trees cast a shadow under the street lamp. Or, simply sitting in a space with a friend and having an honest conversation.

I have had a few simple things in my life. I enjoy playing music for people. I like writing. I like being in spaces where these things can come together. And, I love communicating through pictures.

So, two days back, there was a moment, when I wanted to find myself something which brings the joy back. And I did.

I decided to create this blog. And be ambitious! For the next one year, or rather 50 weeks, I will take out time and do one post per week. These posts will have me writing, sharing playlists and uploading a picture to go with all of it!

I hope I do this. I hope I give myself the one or two hours every week that I owe myself. And, I hope this transpires into something beautiful where I find my ‘simple thing’ again.

P.S: “Somewhere only we know” by Keane is one of my favorite songs. I probably would not have done this post, if it had not randomly played on YouTube tonight.